I suck at condolences

but I kinda have a valid reason

Someone posted the loss of his father today and I felt sad for him. I opened the comment to offer my condolences but I just couldn’t. It was at that point I realized that I have never really offered my condolences to anyone at the loss of someone dear to them.

In secondary school, my closest friend lost her mom during childbirth. I felt so sad for her. They happened to be very close and I can remember how excited they were for the arrival of the baby. I can remember the day she resumed back to school, everyone rushed to greet her and they all offered their condolences, but all I did was sit and watch. I didn’t even move an inch towards her till later in the day and all I did was talk to her as if I didn’t know what had happened.

Some years back another close friend lost her father and to this day I don’t remember uttering the words, ‘Sorry for your loss.’

I feel like no amount of ‘sorry for your loss’ or ‘accept my condolence’ can soothe, the pain they are feeling or feel the void the loss has brought, instead, it would be great to take their minds off the pain by bringing up happy memories, being a safe space, allowing them rant or cry their eyes out in peace or just creating a happy distraction, even if it is for a minute. At the same time, I feel like saying these words makes them feel like people are sympathizing with them, but it still doesn’t fix anything, why say it?

When my grandma died I got a lot of these greetings and it didn’t do anything for me, which kind of validates my logic.

Another thing I don’t like is when people tell the bereaved to be strong for others or stop crying because crying won’t bring back the dead. If I have to be strong for every other person, who would be strong for me? why do I have to suppress my pain so that everyone can see how strong I am? Why can’t I mourn the loss of a loved one with tears? I find it suffocating because we make people juggle grief with maturity and I don’t understand why.

Anyway, I am confused, should I keep avoiding offering condolences and opt for being a cheerful distraction, or should I say the words to mark attendance?